America By An American Japanese Cancer Survivor

I’m not the first person who has said that if Jesus came again many of his followers would not recognize him.

I’m pretty sure this is still accurate in many places.

I’m pretty skittish about organized religion – organizations in general.

I never wanted to have a company – I resolved a few times.

But I realized I just can’t stand bureaucracy and deception and emotional manipulation by people who claim to know the secrets to the soul.

I love good company in every sense of the word.

I love good “bad” company too. I was an Internet model and I went straight to the deep.

Let’s be honest. I was already there.

Not only had I been told I was too deep -I was also told I was a cesspool. That everything I said was a lie – that I twisted the truth to believe my own lies.

That I rationalized and convinced my entire large (but separated) circles to believe that I was working when in reality I was just doing nothing.

Holy duck.

My mind started racing like a mother ducker.

Which, let’s be honest … I am.

I was bi-curious for awhile – with a lot of encouragement from my significant other.

I noticed we adopted that quickly at adult parties.

No wife, husband? Well sometimes.

I mean I’ve seen so much variety that pretty much everything is sometimes.

Except one thing. We’ll get to that later.

I’m gonna try my version of the madness that is on the Internet. Lol.

Like the gateway to the new reality.

Most people cannot depart as far from the norm as I have over and over again.

My first norm was a little American-Japanese girl. I remember feeling very cozy.

I was born in Kyoto, the former imperial capital of Japan.

I was born at home at 10pm three and a half weeks early I think. Is that right mom?

The midwife came although at first I think she didn’t believe mom because it was early. Or maybe that’s what happened to me only. Lol.

Anyway, at the sapling age of one year old I think I went to Hong Kong and then Indonesia (where my chubby hair spikey brother was born).

Note that my parents wanted a boy first.  So they had me.

I was named after my parents hero, Queen Maria she was sometimes called.

Later she was Mama Maria.

I think her actual name is Karen Zirby.

I always liked the name Karen when I was a kid.

I was never fond of the bible names. Although our families last name was Servus.

I liked that. Dad can I tell them your names? Mom?

Anyway. I was fascinated with names. I usually looked mostly at the credits to read these amazing names that were more interesting to me than love joy peace and heaven. No offense to anyone.

Actually I had some great friends with those names but I’m making a point here, lol.

Names like Jeffrey, Taylor, Tyler, Melissa Anne, Michelle, Angela was ok, but all angel related things were like love hot peace. Joy. Autocorrect. Lol.

(Co-authored with autocorrect)

I wondered why I liked the Chinese names and I also liked the Japanese ones.

I even glanced at Adobe photoshops credits for a little name porn a couple times.

Hahahaha!

Name porn. What do I do with that! Lol.

We have world porn and food porn and nature porn – this is wonderful. We’re disempowering something that has held many people in incredible binds of shame.

Shame is worse than sewage. It’s worse than cancer. It is at the root of dis-ease.

I have suffered from PTSD symptoms – recurring night mares, paranoia, disassociation and disorientation, avoidance, manic energy.

I had to work on my memory loss.

Fucking scary ass shit.

I never liked cursing. I was a bit of a language snob.

And rebellious streak.

I knew people wanted to break me. I’d be like yeah let’s do it.

🤔

I came to believe that I needed to be broken.

On the one hand, I believe in the wisdom of the quote from Pema Chodron;

I paraphrase, but the idea is that only when we subject ourselves to repeated annihilation do we find that which is indestructible.

Seemed like a good activity for my rebellion.

I loved quotes like “iron sharpens the iron”.

(Also unto the pure all things are pure.)

I guess those are bible verses, technically.

Anyway, always very analytical.

But I think there are a lot of very curious things about my life that leads me to believe that my purpose is pretty different – just like I think a lot of people’s are.

I rebelled against writing, even though it saved my sanity.

Because I was full of rage and shame and fury and pain that I couldn’t feel anything and that scared the shit out of me.

It scared me because I thot if I don’t find my love then all my venom will come out and I will hurt everyone who resembles the ones who have hurt me.

I had lost faith in my humanity as if I had been bitten by an actual vampire. I craved the resonance I felt when I watched vampire shows. I felt I was one.

But not anymore. They terrified me.

I was so connected to my fear that I had a hard time seeing straight.

I could barely read to my son at night.

I was becoming suicidal.

I never thought I would actually lose hope like I was free falling into a deep cave and the walls would crumble as I reached for them.

I calmed myself. It’s the only thing I felt was safe.

Do you know what it feels like to force yourself out of tunnel vision? To sit still, quietly, when you want to break the world in half to find your heart so you can heal without blowing the world up?

There is a quote by a woman, she said if one woman told her truth, the world would split in half.

Interesting, I thought. Especially since I had been thinking about not blowing things up.

Instead I found comfort in angry birds. The documentation is all visual – I could barely read.

Plus the dynamite birds go boom.

This I could do even with my kiddo.

Sometimes I was so weak.

We watched super heroes in all forms.

I was terrified that if I slept I would wake up and my son would be gone from me. On the other side of the country,

While I was taken to a psychiatric hospital.

Yep.

I felt that if I had just imagined everyfing I was witnessing – then I needed to be checked into an institution.

But part of me was calm. It’s the only way to keep your head.

Even if you become outraged, you have to expand your energy to match it – or it can consume you.

I wonder how many people know how to consciously expand and contract their energy.

Usually I hear things about shrinking energy not being ideal.

I think that like exercise we need to open our minds and start following way bigger patterns.

So it doesn’t take what I went through fur you to find your indestructible.

I took selfies through the recovery process to show you an honest not-retouched, uncensored personal unraveling.

What happened after I ended up in the hospital – how it feels to be in so much pain you throw yourself down the stairs to stop the sensation, while the animals gather around concerned.

I hope not even my worst enemies – whoever they may consider themselves to be lol – go through that.

I mean I’m like the worst enemy – to myself. I’m insidious and tricky and I will run myself into the ground for that which is “indestructible”.

I never loved money until I talked to a guy online who I called that.

I loved him because he was vulnerable with me and he disagreed that I was a bitch – and he listened to me even when I thought I was barely coherent but needed to be in a place where I felt like a person.

Deep dive alert. We have serious dynamics going on inhumanity that people need to open their eyes to. Depersonalization and edgy approaches to domination and advanced mind games are played on so many levels without the rules and the integrity that alternative people with their humanity whole adopt to have some wild fun with people who get it.

The secrecy creates dangerous environments.

(Maybe I should watch eyes side shut.)

The secrecy is there because of enormous distrust that has been earned.

The only solution is transparency and moving on from old issues.

The real F word I’m afraid is actually forgiveness.

Honor the struggles of our ancestors by answering new challenges – by evolving – not by continuing to talk about the crap in a way that perpetuates it.

My old partner used to have a sign on his office wall down town – it was from the de motivators, the snarky version of teamwork posters.

“If you can’t solve the problem there’s money to be made in prolonging it.”

Something like that.

This is not cool of course so most people aren’t so blatant.

But that’s how shady operations persist and exist many times.

The duplicity muddies the waters, and the economy breaks down.

We are afraid so we invent easy things to do that go from slowing progress to obstructing it.

Like my breast cancer. Like any cancer really.

I see a lot of parallels but I also see easy solutions.

I mean if the government is going to be shady then do we get to have some fun too working around our problems with corrupt humanity?

Lead by example is good. Like maybe every person in power needs to live like the people who they represent – the poorest.

Like burn notice but so it’s real. Somehow no bail outs.

I can’t stand when any leadership has not done the work of what I think any great leader aspiring or not should do as part of their responsibility for the blessings they get with their job.

The responsibility is to know your audiences pain points.

Not with your intellect. Not even with your heart. With all of your senses.

In “Waking The Tiger” about releasing trauma, there is a passage I’ll paraphrase, the author talks about how language is linear. Our bodies can communicate so much more than we can with words.

This is also the reason that when I train clients in physical fitness we do warm ups that involve rolling (upper body / lower body isolated) and crawling.

Unless you already do that a lot, this  communicates to your mind and entire being that somethings changing.

Simple things like this point to us having the power in us to make little changes that support growth.

It supports the mothers wisdom that I quoted from Ben carson’s movie “helping hands” – his mom says “son, you have all that you need.”

I say this because I think the theatrics on the campaigns now are reflecting a tipping point that humanity is at too, that I’m convinced can only end well –

But how do we want the journey to go and who do we want to travel with?

I think we have to consider our positions from a new mindset.

We cannot solve problems from the same mindset we were in when we created them (thx Einstein) – and I’m hearing things that suggest that some people are still in an old mindset and covering up with trendy vernacular and new catch phrases.

Think with your body and your soul which might be whispering now because of so much information bombarding from the outside.

We are not too small for these issues. The way we have grown as a nation says we are big enough to handle our own shit with the grace and love and virtuous intentions of true human beings.

Virtue and piety are not the same although some think so.

I have seen heathens with bigger hearts than spiritual “leaders”.

The only solution ever when it comes to life and death – which is always in my opinion – life is here and death is part of life – is to go deep within.

Slay your own dragons, is the pendant I got for myself. Because I think the way I got cancer is the same way America shows signs of cancer – or as my path report said, hypermetabolic activity – by focusing on other problems and not my own solutions. Our solutions.

Let’s think through the real practical results of our current position – worst case scenario for you and what (not who) will help really – and stop looking for our savior outside yourself.

If you want to hear rallying speeches look up motivational clips on YouTube.

Way more motivating than anything I’ve heard any candidate say.

Trump though, that Gemini, I thought might be what America needs.

Calm down everyone.

He’s talking like America. You don’t like it, yeah I don’t like it either, but not enough to throw babies out with the bath water.

I mean do we really deserve a good person? Have we worked smart for it?

Or had our jealousy and desire to be complete as per the latest consensus from advertising and the media turned us into who we despise?

Hope not. That would suck.

But then … Maybe that’s who we are in some places, defeated, unable to think of any other way besides quitting.

Well, as Seth Godin says in his title, The Dip – sometimes winners are quitters.

Speaking of which, thanks for reading. I appreciate your time and attention.

M