Onward and Upward, Survivor

I yelled in my dream. Growled even. He claimed to be the victim even while he victimized. Intentionally. I felt trapped. I was tough. But my heart was made of blood and love, not peanut butter.

Still, when I have bad dreams and stressful nights I notice my fasting blood sugar goes up. 120 this morning.

I’m pre-divorce, a domestic crisis and breast cancer survivor with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease. I have another surgery in Las Vegas, in January 2018, to complete breast reconstruction. (Let me mention, nipples too. It feels strange when I get cold.)

There is a lot to process. We don’t take leaps of faith often because of the fear of falling. I have already fallen. I have gotten back up. I have fallen again. Tumbling through life, turning the stumbles into a dance as best I can.

I seek a new dance.

This morning I felt the deep exhaustion, the heaviness. And then two lines came from a hymn I remember from my childhood, by Annie J Flint.

Kindly allow me to share this with you. I am Taoist but I cherish these beautiful words and the belief that feeling is prayer. I’m told that is more than enough to receive what we seek.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Written by Annie J Flint

Source: http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/He_Giveth_More_Grace/

To donate to my journey, visit my current campaign on GoFundMe.

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