#breastcancer #recovery #reconstruction #politics #depression #rage #nausea #fireblood #chemobrain
Very sick to my stomach today. I am great deep inside but my body has been through hell. I do not know right now how to honor it besides sleeping when I can and eating what I can. I feel beyond exhausted. All the caring and tolerance seems to have been misdirected, part of me says. The power of acceptance for others, I must turn that inward to myself.
I believe as one of the rules of karma, that the true value of work depends on the energy and intent put into it. This is what can make the mundane magical. More than parlor trick magic. It transcends suffering. It has been repeatedly confusing to me, as I’ve been reborn over and over – at least 3 times – into new worlds, with new families, new friends, new enemies, less frenemies – how the economy works in terms of value.
This still baffles me. I believe what I give is priceless. No one loves like I love. No one cares like I care. No one sees what I see. They may see some of it. But they don’t see all of it. How could they? They’re not me.
But somehow in today’s society and where I have poked my nose in the spirit of unity and creativity towards common goals, I have been disappointed. Perhaps my heart is too low. Lift it up they say, lift it up. And then they walk on. And I think, when I am depressed and depleted, am I not worth lifting up?
This has more to do with my inner dialog than what is going on around me except that I believe that everyone is a mirror of what is going on in my soul that I cannot acknowledge because the pain puts me out, but only for a little while.
Please shush with your pain, with your sadness. Please make some money with that. And also, please be positive.
When I am in pain, when I cannot feel love, I still know it’s there. It keeps me breathing. But sometimes I think why… Those ideas that kept me alive and hopeful through the challenges, I don’t mind if they are all old and must be done away with. Bye bye, big plans. Bye bye, old dreams. You are too lofty for me now.
People do not understand what chemo brain is. The government and their health programs are so far detached that I suppose I could sit around waiting for two years for a house. Their records are so out of date and the time it takes to update things so wretchedly slow it’s like a time warp. But there are good things about it too.
Get a job is a great idea. Why haven’t I thought of that! Maybe because it has been all my body could do – with the help of some friends and strangers who I am grateful to – to get myself to appointments. To retrain my mind to be organized. To think positively. To watch my positiveness be taken advantage of as if it’s some shield to protect duplicity.
I go deep because that is where I find the source of strength. In the reality that is below all the damn chatter. To find work that taps my heart instead of my very tired mind. The mind is what they want when we work – the mind. The body too. But my mind needs fuel. Needs rest. I can only feel so much, train so much, before I feel on fire again. It’s just inflammation, I think to myself. No, it’s fire. It’s fire in my veins and somehow it is the only thing available to me.
People liked me much better when I was depressed, I think. Perception maybe. But this is depression. This is where I go, where we all go, who feel overwhelmed. And this is why I continue to write and to share information for free – for those who do not, can not respond, or give me likes or loves or whatever validation. The place that is beneath tears. I speak to those people.
You can help us. Or you can give us advice. That we can take with our numbness mixed with fire blood. And make you feel better. We have become part of the continuum of accepted norms. I speak for souls in that place. And when I am whole, I will speak to that.
I know you all have struggled. I have no more grace to consider them though. All my grace is to keep me genuine and thoughtful. The rest is whatever.
Happy Saturday to me. Happy Saturday indeed.
I find very little encouragement in democracy today. I have been deeply hurt by “friends” who take more time to judge than to support. I wouldn’t blame them though because how the hell did I get to where I’m at. Why do I even care so much? What is my major problem?
I still think the laws of karma are good rules. I’ve branded my heart and soul with them. I aim to embody them. I see the world as infinite, as a projection of our ability to see the real reality.
I’m happy to see my friends’ list go down sometimes. Maybe it’s because I’m depressed. Maybe because they’re spam accounts that are parading as people – with fake profiles. Maybe we’re so in love with the lie because the truth scares us. Maybe I am.
I’m working on getting into a better place. I am not going to fake it till I make it. That is exhausting and ridiculous.
I am going to be how I am, intending that the remainder of my life is used constructively, productively, and most of all meaningfully and genuinely.
You don’t get to tell me how to be genuine. Just as you are my mirror, I am also your mirror – according to my world. And if the whole world is an extension of me, then I have some work to do.
(Publishing also on WordPress.com – I think the media and the people collaborate to create these monstrosities. It’s not blame-blame does nothing to fix the problem except make someone feel right and who cares about “right” when they’re in so much pain. It’s just a thing I consider reality that it takes two to tango. I check in every now and then on the news and it’s like clanging cymbals most of the time.)
Maybe I’m sick because the world seems too much at times. But that’s only because I’m tired and apparently need to find more empowered direction.
Or maybe just finally get tired of the fire blood and nausea – I am training now using R Phase from Z Health to rehabilitate my body which hurts all the time unless I am distracted by good company. I will not be positive just so others can feel better about themselves. I will make the cool things I’ve been dreaming, and whoever can keep up can keep up.
The rest of y’all, it’s been nice knowing ya.
I seek humanity where I can with what I have, on social media if that’s all I have energy to do.
I know that the people who know me well will understand. The others, I invite you to but you don’t have to. Besides, I voted for Trump*.
(*Because change – simple as that – and a test to the democracy and whether it will coral around a challenge or join the blamers and people who are in love with hating vulgarity. And Hillary pissed me off with her man-woman-confusion and obviously hedgy speech. Be direct, woman. If you want to lead and not just be a puppet that lets us think positive while we have a Dorian Gray situation going on in the attic. The fact that people voted for her because deception is better than vulgarity just blows my mind. But I get it. There’s a pathological fear of seeing the truth methinks.)
But then maybe I just made this all up. It’s the medication. Speaking of which, I am done my antibiotics regimen today. Maybe I will get on video later or post one.
I hope all those who judged me on cannabis use are happy too that I am now able to deal with fire blood better than be happy. Because God help me if I can smile during a hard time.
I’m about over that now. Positivity is not for free anymore.
(Picture is me with no eyebrows almost 2 years ago now – 2015. It snuck up on me so fast.)
If you would like to support me on my recovery journey from writing like this to writing in a team with a focus on improving children’s creative and literary skills through reading and storytelling programs I’m designing – instead of hearing this stuff – or either way – please support my current GoFundMe campaign here. Thank you.