Mandalay Bay ~ Las Vegas ~ Response from a Trauma & Breast Cancer Survivor, Martial Artist, Writer and Editor by trade #teamrubicon #streetteam #loveinaction

My heart and body shake with compassion for the people who are suffering.

Anger, rage, fury, disassociation… depression, confusion – these are some of the feelings that come to mind.

When the heart is in trauma, the body is in trauma. At some point that energy has to be expressed.

We decide how we respond. We have that power. At some point, someone has to say Enough.

(Please forgive my terminology and jargon now, I will try to speak as clearly as I can in writing.) 

Yesterday I went to a mastermind meeting I had been to before. I was hoping to see what was going on for business and how I could help.

Instead, we talked about the Elephant in the Room – in this case, the Mandalay Bay shooting. I felt it became “inappropriate” – because we gave space during this time of trauma to an old wound. I am sorry but I think this is a kind of selfishness that contributes to tragedy.

Right now in my life, I do not have time to think about what happened before today. I take it into consideration because I am a considerate individual. HOWEVER – I also need a place to stay and food to eat so I don’t die. If YOU cannot take that into consideration, then I cannot take you into consideration. Do you understand that?

Safe places and snowflakes. Ok, first off – how dare people use beautiful unique snowflakes in a rude way. Check your spirit before you speak. Personally, I am going to start my own Snowflake Society – perhaps virtual – to address the Real Real Snowflakes.

To me, this is a beautiful snowy day maybe like happened in the movie A White Christmas, where a bunch of soldiers and vets got together to honor their leader.

I would like to make safe places for those who are actively helping TODAY. I would like to provide them with food, support, and focused action utilizing all the skills I have and my own understanding of being in SURVIVAL MODE which is a state that can be experienced by all races and all species.

We make spaces by looking for commonality – not by looking for differences.

We make safe spaces by looking for strength – first in ourselves and then in others.

We make safe spaces when people have good food, good sleep and a place where we can share hugs and laughter, which will heal us.

Make your own safe space – and see how many people support you. If not, maybe it’s time to change the approach. That is true mastery – and strategy – adapting to the situation with the insight of how humanity responds.

Whatever entity is responsible – be it a sole human which I find unlikely but possible – do you think they knew how people would respond to a mass shooting?

Why did they do it anyway?

Get inside their head if you can – otherwise get inside your heart and use the resources of your own body and humanity to be the change you seek in the world.

Humility right now is power. Knowledge is power. Control is not power. Control is an illusion and it is a weakness to demand it of others instead of excercising your own ability to change.

Many people died. Their families are grieving. People are helping. This is not about my cancer survival right now – this is not about the fact that I am not sure where I am going to live by the weekend. I don’t have things I thought I had. I don’t have friends I thought I had.

But I am alive, mofos! I am alive and shaking and I have a heart. The heart inspires the mind, the stomach helps out, and the body benefits.

In trauma, when fight or flight is triggered, or sometimes freeze – the response that is most effective in my understanding is one that comes first with understanding and curiosity, followed by thoughtful communication and most of all LISTENING.

If you need others to make a safe space for you, I recommend therapy. I have gone for several years and I am at the point now that the things that used to make me tremble now don’t even bother me. This is healing.

You want a safe space? Therapy creates one for you. Outpatient group therapy. One on one therapy. Don’t like the stigma of therapy? Don’t feel you need it? All the most successful warriors and victors and advocates have their own coaches and their own support team made of humans who understand them and respect their abilities.

Respect is key. Everything else is blah blah blah at a time like this. Be human or you are being everything you hate and you don’t even know it which means you are NOT in control of YOURSELF.

To demand that safe spaces be afforded is the type of thinking that leads to shit like this. It starts with you. For me it starts with me. The fact that you can google gender pronoun conversations and confusion right now on the Internet means on some level we are in a HUGE identity crisis.

We have to change ourselves by creating that safe space within – and then sharing it with those who respect us. Respect. Love for yourself. Love like no one else does. Not with words but with heart. With your own beating heart.

Statistics are numbers. If you are doing research from a place whose intel is compromised, what does that say about your findings?

Who guards the guards? People guard the guards. Respect guards the guards. Love guards the guards. And then the guards can guard who is worthy guarding.

In times of trauma you have to make new decisions. If you have been through it, you have experiental knowledge that does not come from research but it comes from life.

The strength of the individual and the family is important now. Check yourself. Ask yourself if you are doing the best thing you can be doing right now for humanity.

We have a big problem where we try to protect others who feel victimized instead of referring them to proper help. People need to be more human focused – THAT IS THE KEY.

If you can’t accept it, then I feel we disagree on the definitions and principles of some pretty big issues like knowledge, power, control, surrender, submission, and a lot of things that you learn when you say…

Hey, maybe I am that safe space. Or,

Hey, maybe this is not the safe space for me.

Be part of the change – don’t make this about you.

Defending victims is not helpful. It just reveals that you have areas of your own life that you have not healed because you are joining them in creating a safe space by demanding that others gift you their time and their curiosity and their skills.

We are the human race. I put humanity above petty conversations in times when I forget how to breathe. Otherwise I would not be here today.

To suggest that other people don’t know about your own history is to suggest that you are ignorant of theirs. Takes two to tango and if you are resting on history to fuel your own comfort, you are not a safe space as far as I am concerned.

Scared people, hurt people, people in denial, people who do not know how to wait, how to be patient, who are not built for things they have been made to do,

They still have a choice even if they gave it up. Every minute you have a choice. Don’t hold us back by shielding yourself with trauma of the past.

How about, wow, I have never been in this situation. I am going to do something. What can I do? What can I change that might make things better for the circle I am a part of right now.

You be the safe space or go get help. We have to do this for ourselves and if we are committed to friendship, let us be first committed to humanity and to life.

It is not the time to bring up another morbid situation. It is time to soothe and comfort yourself in such a way that you are a blessing to society not just another damn drag.

Wake up people. Your words reveal what you do not see. Media is included. You are spouting your ignorance all the time and that is how people know when is a good time to do evil things.

Watch your words. Watch your heart. I send love and forgiveness. If you cannot forgive people because they know not what they do, maybe your value are not as Christlike as you think.

If you spend more time on the media than on your soul, your ballast must be outside of you. That’s how I see it.

I support knowledge and strengthening individuals, families and communities.
I support awareness. I support #TeamRubicon as a knowledge sharer until I can do more.

PS

I DO NOT support the concept of safe spaces. That is a great way to gather a bunch of people to get shot and just make the case worse. What is everyone going to do? Think about it like your opponent. Be your opponent’s opponent. Fight with finesse if you must – and be prepared to heal and rebuild after the destruction. STOP TALKING about what you hate. It’s not safe. 

NOTE: This message is not for everyone. I trust that you will exercise your right to choose as a human being – and to respect that others can choose too. Work from there and you will go from frightened and debilitated, to finding the center inside that you never knew, and flipping on the switch for others too. Here’s the switch to self defense, protection and care.

I love you.

(And when you take the 

I

and the 

you

out of it,

what’s left?

LOVE.

Long-suffering.

Organic.

Victorious.

EVERYTHING.

– Acronym for LOVE; Miko Hargett aka Maria F Walls 

LOVE – That’s where we start. If you are on board, follow me for actual solutions. My team. My game. My rules. You want to have that ability? That knowledge? I create safe spaces in difficult places. I start with Me. If you start with you, we can talk. 

Get a good grasp on your understanding of LOVE – it is not romance and sex and pleasure only. It is insight, understanding, compassion, humility, adaptility and it is raw and real and will kick your assets to help you.)

Here are some resources I think will help with mindset. I get no kickback for this.

Jeff Cooper’s Color Code of Awareness – PAY ATTENTION to the subtleties of the situation, in other words – how you FEEL. Breathe into it.  

https://www.gungoddess.com/combat-mindset-the-cooper-color-code/

Team Rubicon – Street Team Tools – Civilian Response 

https://teamrubiconusa.org/join-the-team/down-n-dirty/street-team-2/

Follow me on social media of your choice if you want to help yourself and those you love. Imposing on people you don’t know to listen to your bad story when we have enough other stories is a display of ignorance that I think needs to go to the mental health clinic or find a therapist and I say that with passion of one who has found help in a hopeless place. Not only help, but love. LOVE. That is where we start. Otherwise we are blind.)

Miko Hargett

(content and opinions owned by Maria Faith Walls except where it’s obvious it’s not)  

In closing,

Blessings to those who are a blessing.

Please be safe.

Love to the best of your ability and then love better.

Maria Faith Walls

Complete Responder 

CALL TO ACTION

Jeff Cooper’s Color Code of Awareness – PAY ATTENTION to the subtleties of the situation, in other words – how you FEEL. Breathe into it.  

https://www.gungoddess.com/combat-mindset-the-cooper-color-code/

Team Rubicon – Street Team Tools – Civilian Response 

https://teamrubiconusa.org/join-the-team/down-n-dirty/street-team-2/

***

If you would like me to come and speak, or help in any way – please start by joining team rubicon. I share their values of knowledge and action. We will create safe spaces by being the safe spaces.

PPS: I beat cancer. I have another chance at life. I will honor those who have passed by making sure they are remebered for their goodness. Let the evil fall away. Stop giving love to evil unless you know what evil is like and are prepared to act. Otherwise, you owe it to yourself and to everyone else to get help. Be healthy. Be loving. Know what love and health mean.

NOTE: This message is not for everyone. I trust that you will exercise your right to choose as a human being – and to respect that others can choose too. Work from there and you will go from frightened and debilitated, to finding the center inside that you never knew, and flipping on the switch for others too. Here’s the switch to self defense, protection and care.  Enlightened Heartfelt Action.

(End of post.)

Advertisements

Onward and Upward, Survivor

I yelled in my dream. Growled even. He claimed to be the victim even while he victimized. Intentionally. I felt trapped. I was tough. But my heart was made of blood and love, not peanut butter.

Still, when I have bad dreams and stressful nights I notice my fasting blood sugar goes up. 120 this morning.

I’m pre-divorce, a domestic crisis and breast cancer survivor with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease. I have another surgery in Las Vegas, in January 2018, to complete breast reconstruction. (Let me mention, nipples too. It feels strange when I get cold.)

There is a lot to process. We don’t take leaps of faith often because of the fear of falling. I have already fallen. I have gotten back up. I have fallen again. Tumbling through life, turning the stumbles into a dance as best I can.

I seek a new dance.

This morning I felt the deep exhaustion, the heaviness. And then two lines came from a hymn I remember from my childhood, by Annie J Flint.

Kindly allow me to share this with you. I am Taoist but I cherish these beautiful words and the belief that feeling is prayer. I’m told that is more than enough to receive what we seek.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Written by Annie J Flint

Source: http://library.timelesstruths.org/music/He_Giveth_More_Grace/

To donate to my journey, visit my current campaign on GoFundMe.

Write To Please One Person

I feel heavy and sore. The words don’t flow as easily as they do sometimes. It’s as if I’m standing at a fork in the road; do I write as a survivor from the depths of my soul, or write to earn.

Why not both?

Writing because the soul demands it, harnessing the opposing griffins of creativity and commerce with an invitation to be strong, kind and benevolent and practical.

It seems a lot sometimes. But that’s just like feeling bloated – often it feels worse than it is.

I feel bloated with effort, inflamed with tender determination. I’m in process and writing is a big part of that healing process. Not just the writing or the structure or the distribution or the validation of an appreciative reader, but all of it – the thinking, the heart, the feels, the action, the experience of taking abstract ideas that won’t be left alone and giving them shape in some reality with words that are seasoned with the sugar and spices of life, with bold and quiet moments, with the knowledge that there is beauty anywhere we feel and say it is, and in times like this, this gives hope to anyone who wants it. Even me.

I’ve been wrestling with novels and life in a new way. Novel means new and noteworthy too. Breast cancer behind me, surgery and rebuilding ahead of me.

I thought I could write myself into a new existence with intention, documenting the rewiring of my mind and the rehabilitation of my body through storytelling – through love stories.

Maybe if I looked into my own eyes and sat silently with the contents of my soul, I could become a better, stronger me – the one I sculpted from all the bits of The Bygone, the one I would set free.

Could I write to please her?

Inspired by a Facebook Post I wrote 3 months ago and am trying to embed in WordPress.com :) See link below.
https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fmikohargett1%2Fposts%2F10214413807361859&width=500

If you enjoy this or want to help me get my head straight, please consider donating to my current gofundme campaign!

Thank you for reading. xx

Stories, Coming to Life

I am loving @novelicious

But where is that beautiful picture by Alexander Bach? I was hoping it would be displayed here. Well, you can click on the link up there or somewhere after the period or “full stop” as I remember the British say.

pic.twitter.com/PzrC9zGcnO

Beautiful, no? I love tutus and books. I have a black tutu.

Oh right, back to writing my book by hand and doodle. I’m feeling purist.

And I am alive, very much alive.

A walking story of stories. Excuse me, a two-legged story taking a walk through life. Maybe I should take a  hike in a book! Like that picture.

I’m developing my own voice always. I’m quite sure there isn’t one exactly like it. Like snowflakes. I used to cut snowflakes out a lot, even when I was getting lectured for something. Snip, snip, snip and you make a pattern.

If you’d like to join me in promoting the benefits of storytelling in life and business, I don’t mess around – even when it looks like I am. I am embracing the mess and making the mundane magic so I can heal.

I would like as my gift to make this experience easier for others than I have had it myself, and in the meantime get back on my feet with the support of a world who shares my love of humanity. I am laser focused on accessing health for myself as a mother and I know I am not alone.

I have the gift of communications, writing and insight from years of out of the box thinking and experiences. I believe in self-evident truth and encouraging strong individuality as a baseline.

Here is my current GoFundMe campaign.

Thank you for sharing this reality with me.

The featured image is me at a lake in Texas. Grapevine comes to mind. I took a selfie and messaged it. “I am the Queen of the world!” A true Titanic moment.

“I am the Queen of the world!” A true Titanic moment.

“You are,” my Messenger replied.

I had no response.

 

 


Ahahaha – Here we go! #draft1 #authors #jamesjoyce #tribute #mynovel #preface

(Titles are ridiculous these days. I’m like who is writing this, four year olds would make more sense. So you can see my reticence about working in that environment. It’s basically against my religion.) 

I am so accidentally cool, lol. I got that from Happy Feet.

But I am not only accidentally cool. I am also many other things.

I’m celebrating with a post on my blog now that I am sort of breaking up with Facebook or at least changing the terms of our endearment. Lol.

I am also celebrating that I am celebrating with a post.

What else do I have to celebrate?

Coming across the Cancer Ward by Alexander Solzhenitsyn (thank goodness for Grammarly lol).

Especially because I had come across it just after my diagnosis. The cordycep mushrooms. I immediately bought some of that tea at Sprouts. I thought the faeries probably showed it to me. Usually I just call them magic.

So that’s like full circle on that experience.

Also the format I found it in this time is mega perfect. Does this make me superstitious? Is this serendipitous?

More on that later. Formats, superstition and serendipity! #addtolist

Also add to the #makelist … darnit I forgot.

Please feel free to join me as I explore other worlds and options that others have not yet considered perhaps – or at least that I have yet to hear of except in my own mind.

Actually I don’t hear with my mind or in my mind usually maybe. But sometimes I think I have synthesia – or did, actually. I then decided it was probably a mild case and I didn’t care anyway. Most things don’t make sense to me – just kidding. I mean people.

Things are all fine until suddenly I’m like “What!!!!!” inside. And I am speechless.

Stupid me.

If you enjoy this or want to help me get my head straight, please consider donating to my current gofundme campaign!  

And stay tuned for my own market with all the products I use to recover and rehabilitate my mind and body.

I’m also thinking Events.

Here we go!

Saturday Slump or No? You Decide #breastcancer #fireblood #chemobrain

#breastcancer #recovery #reconstruction #politics #depression #rage #nausea #fireblood #chemobrain

Very sick to my stomach today. I am great deep inside but my body has been through hell. I do not know right now how to honor it besides sleeping when I can and eating what I can. I feel beyond exhausted. All the caring and tolerance seems to have been misdirected, part of me says. The power of acceptance for others, I must turn that inward to myself.

I believe as one of the rules of karma, that the true value of work depends on the energy and intent put into it. This is what can make the mundane magical. More than parlor trick magic. It transcends suffering. It has been repeatedly confusing to me, as I’ve been reborn over and over – at least 3 times – into new worlds, with new families, new friends, new enemies, less frenemies – how the economy works in terms of value.

This still baffles me. I believe what I give is priceless. No one loves like I love. No one cares like I care. No one sees what I see. They may see some of it. But they don’t see all of it. How could they? They’re not me.

But somehow in today’s society and where I have poked my nose in the spirit of unity and creativity towards common goals, I have been disappointed. Perhaps my heart is too low. Lift it up they say, lift it up. And then they walk on. And I think, when I am depressed and depleted, am I not worth lifting up?

This has more to do with my inner dialog than what is going on around me except that I believe that everyone is a mirror of what is going on in my soul that I cannot acknowledge because the pain puts me out, but only for a little while.

Please shush with your pain, with your sadness. Please make some money with that. And also, please be positive.

When I am in pain, when I cannot feel love, I still know it’s there. It keeps me breathing. But sometimes I think why… Those ideas that kept me alive and hopeful through the challenges, I don’t mind if they are all old and must be done away with. Bye bye, big plans. Bye bye, old dreams. You are too lofty for me now.

People do not understand what chemo brain is. The government and their health programs are so far detached that I suppose I could sit around waiting for two years for a house. Their records are so out of date and the time it takes to update things so wretchedly slow it’s like a time warp. But there are good things about it too.

Get a job is a great idea. Why haven’t I thought of that! Maybe because it has been all my body could do – with the help of some friends and strangers who I am grateful to – to get myself to appointments. To retrain my mind to be organized. To think positively. To watch my positiveness be taken advantage of as if it’s some shield to protect duplicity.

I go deep because that is where I find the source of strength. In the reality that is below all the damn chatter. To find work that taps my heart instead of my very tired mind. The mind is what they want when we work – the mind. The body too. But my mind needs fuel. Needs rest. I can only feel so much, train so much, before I feel on fire again. It’s just inflammation, I think to myself. No, it’s fire. It’s fire in my veins and somehow it is the only thing available to me.

People liked me much better when I was depressed, I think. Perception maybe. But this is depression. This is where I go, where we all go, who feel overwhelmed. And this is why I continue to write and to share information for free – for those who do not, can not respond, or give me likes or loves or whatever validation. The place that is beneath tears. I speak to those people.

You can help us. Or you can give us advice. That we can take with our numbness mixed with fire blood. And make you feel better. We have become part of the continuum of accepted norms. I speak for souls in that place. And when I am whole, I will speak to that.

I know you all have struggled. I have no more grace to consider them though. All my grace is to keep me genuine and thoughtful. The rest is whatever.

Happy Saturday to me. Happy Saturday indeed.

I find very little encouragement in democracy today. I have been deeply hurt by “friends” who take more time to judge than to support. I wouldn’t blame them though because how the hell did I get to where I’m at. Why do I even care so much? What is my major problem?

I still think the laws of karma are good rules. I’ve branded my heart and soul with them. I aim to embody them. I see the world as infinite, as a projection of our ability to see the real reality.

I’m happy to see my friends’ list go down sometimes. Maybe it’s because I’m depressed. Maybe because they’re spam accounts that are parading as people – with fake profiles. Maybe we’re so in love with the lie because the truth scares us. Maybe I am.

I’m working on getting into a better place. I am not going to fake it till I make it. That is exhausting and ridiculous.

I am going to be how I am, intending that the remainder of my life is used constructively, productively, and most of all meaningfully and genuinely.

You don’t get to tell me how to be genuine. Just as you are my mirror, I am also your mirror – according to my world. And if the whole world is an extension of me, then I have some work to do.

(Publishing also on WordPress.com – I think the media and the people collaborate to create these monstrosities. It’s not blame-blame does nothing to fix the problem except make someone feel right and who cares about “right” when they’re in so much pain. It’s just a thing I consider reality that it takes two to tango. I check in every now and then on the news and it’s like clanging cymbals most of the time.)

 

Maybe I’m sick because the world seems too much at times. But that’s only because I’m tired and apparently need to find more empowered direction.

Or maybe just finally get tired of the fire blood and nausea – I am training now using R Phase from Z Health to rehabilitate my body which hurts all the time unless I am distracted by good company. I will not be positive just so others can feel better about themselves. I will make the cool things I’ve been dreaming, and whoever can keep up can keep up.

The rest of y’all, it’s been nice knowing ya.

I seek humanity where I can with what I have, on social media if that’s all I have energy to do.

I know that the people who know me well will understand. The others, I invite you to but you don’t have to. Besides, I voted for Trump*.

(*Because change – simple as that – and a test to the democracy and whether it will coral around a challenge or join the blamers and people who are in love with hating vulgarity. And Hillary pissed me off with her man-woman-confusion and obviously hedgy speech. Be direct, woman. If you want to lead and not just be a puppet that lets us think positive while we have a Dorian Gray situation going on in the attic. The fact that people voted for her because deception is better than vulgarity just blows my mind. But I get it. There’s a pathological fear of seeing the truth methinks.)

But then maybe I just made this all up. It’s the medication. Speaking of which, I am done my antibiotics regimen today. Maybe I will get on video later or post one.

I hope all those who judged me on cannabis use are happy too that I am now able to deal with fire blood better than be happy. Because God help me if I can smile during a hard time.

I’m about over that now. Positivity is not for free anymore.

(Picture is me with no eyebrows almost 2 years ago now – 2015. It snuck up on me so fast.)

If you would like to support me on my recovery journey from writing like this to writing in a team with a focus on improving children’s creative and literary skills through reading and storytelling programs I’m designing – instead of hearing this stuff – or either way – please support my current GoFundMe campaign here. Thank you.